The most confusing, pointless, and unnoticed protest has ended...

Claude Giroux doesn’t consider himself to be a patriot.  Hell, he’s not even an American.  But when the US Government shut its doors on October 1^st, he knew he had to do something.

He gathered the Philadelphia Flyers’ core leadership team and they decided, almost unanimously, to stage a protest.  If it was good enough for Congress to shirk its responsibility, it would certainly work for the team.  Thus was born the Flyers Unified Careless Kick, whereby the Flyers would feign ignorance as to how to do their jobs efficiently.  It was decided that the team would not score goals, defend as a unit, or put even a minimal amount of pressure on opposing players until the shutdown was resolved.  (It’s worth noting here that the lone voice of dissention in the protest was that of Steve Mason, who has performed his job admirably.)

The Flyers Unified Careless Kick (Or F-- You can figure out the abbreviation the team used. In order to be family-friendly I’ll use the term “FK” from here on.) worked, almost to perfection, for two strong weeks while the team stumbled to a 1-6 record.  After Peter Laviolette was fired, the team staged a super sub-secret one-game counter protest to show its displeasure with the move.  This resulted in a 2-1 win versus the Florida Panthers.  Confused by the one-game move, some players were unsure whether to give a FK or not in the following contests.

Luckily for all involved, the US Government ended its shutdown yesterday, bringing the most confusing, pointless, and unnoticed protest since Occupy Wall Street to a close.  The Flyers sit comfortably in last place, leaving their fans to wonder where they would be if they had just given a FK these past few weeks.

Let’s Go Flyers!

You Sunk My Battleship, and My Faith in Cinema!

Universal is releasing a movie version of the classic Hasboro game, 'Battleship.' After watching the trailer I can say that this will quite possibly be the worst film ever made, just barely edging out 'Pearl Harbor.'

Perhaps Hollywood has finished making tired films which cheapen our beloved superheroes and has decided that ruining our memories of childhood board games is the wave of the future. Here is a short list of what I would "like" to see, along with synopses:

1. Chutes and Ladders: In a mystical world where everything is connected by one path, follow the journey of a pair of lost lovers as they try to reunite following a tragic slide accident. (Starring Leo DiCaprio)

2. Candyland (Pixar): In a world where candy bites back, only Fred, a cute sugarless lollipop, can save the human race from an Armageddon of tooth decay.

3. Operation: Join a team of top surgeons in assisting Dr. Forceps (Clint Eastwood) to remove foreign objects from helpless victims. "Don't touch the sides, punk!"

4. Sorry! The Musical: Nathan Lane gives the performance of a lifetime as Robert Smith, an insurance broker hellbent on changing the way Pennsylvanians drive. (Co-starring Michael Clark Duncan as the head of the steelworkers union.)

5. Jenga: Jerry Bruckheimer's post apocalyptic thriller about the high-stakes game of construction upon the last remaining habitable acre on Earth. Can Ben Affleck (as Ben Affleck) save the entire human race by building a tower large enough to save the woman of his dreams, or will it all come crashing down upon him?

Yes, you just wasted your time reading all of that.

Random fallings-out of the brain

- Michael Vick is now a finalist to be on the cover of Madden 2012, along with Peyton Hillis. Since nobody outside Cleveland even knows who Hillis is, it is now a foregone conclusion that the dog whisperer will make the cover. It occurs to me that since the NFL labor dispute is now heading to the courts it's certainly apropos to have an athlete gracing the cover who is familiar with litigation.

- Can't the NBA just go away?

Banana-mango baby

Recently, I've been on a fresh fruit kick. I've been eating plenty of oranges, bananas and mango. Today, I got to thinking that if a banana and a mango got together and had a child how awesome it would taste. The only problem is what it should be named.

We could call it a banango, but that sounds more like something out of the kama sutra. In fact, I may just invent a position called the banango-bango. It may not catch on, but it certainly would be worth the effort.

Mangana sounds too much like a female body part. Manana sounds like something you would have to wait until tomorrow to eat. Banmango sounds like the newest member of the A-Team.

Why am I writing this, you may ask? Why, indeed.

"I shouldn't even tell you this. If they find out I've been divulging secrets they'll kill me for sure."
"For game-day rituals?"
"If the other team's fans knew the secret formula, they could out-strategize our superstitions."
"You're serious?"
"I've got to go. I've said too much."

--

This morning as I put on my left argyle sock, ripped orange mighty-mouse boxers, lucky v-neck undershirt and was getting ready to don my Mike Richards #18 Flyers sweater I had a thought that maybe this was a bit ridiculous. Maybe the Flyers would win or lose on their own merit; not because of what I'm wearing or where I'm sitting while I watch the game.

Of course, the thought wasn't a spontaneous one -- it's also a part of the game-day routine. I'll never forget the morning I forgot to think about my ridiculousness. It was Feb 3, and the Flyers were playing the lowly Edmonton Oilers. They lost, and I have shouldered the blame for that game for the past 3 months.

After having my scheduled spontaneous thought I fill up my blue Caribbean Beach coffee cup, take David to school and make a right turn onto Umbria instead of the left. This adds about 10 minutes to my drive but it is worth it as the Flyers have a 20-3-2 record when I drive the long way. As I head up Umbria I feel sorry for the opposing team's fan whose superstitious routine will undoubtedly be unrewarded because of the very thought that I am having at that moment. (It's an insta-superstitial-killer, as I like to refer to it.)

With the playoffs coming up I can't reveal any more of my routine because I can't have some other fan outwit me.

The Flyers count on me and I don't want to disappoint.

Ankle Waving

Because I don't like posting personal bid-ness in public forums, I've decided to use this space to rant without rhyme or reason. (Well, if I'm feeling extra saucy there may be some rhymes. It's just a sign of the times. On my shopping list is a half-dozen limes. I'm thinking I should do more to prevent crimes. But I digress...)

There is a phenomenon amongst some pop cultures that I want to get in on. I once heard that in the owners manual of Corvettes it states that you should wave to other 'vette drivers. The boating commercial that runs on television depicts a family waving to every other boater. We've all seen the cool underhand wave that Harley owners give each other on the highway. (Isn't that awesome gesture worth the price of the cycle alone? I would buy one, keep it parked on the sidewalk, sit on it and wait for bikers to come down the street just so I can do that cool-ass underhand wave.)

I'm a big fan of these greetings to random strangers, though I find them to be a bit pretentious. As an owner of a Toyota Camry I pride myself on being ordinary. (Not just ordinary -- SUPER ordinary, which is kind of like being extra-average.) Such a show of a wave, nod, salute or even a wink to other Camry drivers would be flaunting our intelligent practicality.

What I propose is this: When you see another Camry on the road lift your left foot up about 3-4 inches and wag your ankle a little bit. This ankle-wave protects our sensibilities and outward appearance as extra normal yet we area also acknowledging like-minded people with an "inside" greeting that is most certainly not pretentious. I've been practicing my ankle-wave (or "AW") for weeks and have my technique down pat. Every time I see another Camry I perform my AW and imagine that the other person sent one back to me. Just think of the wonderful conversations you could have with your passengers. "Dude, that hot chick totally ankle-waved at me!"

Indeed.

Spaceman

"I pray to heaven to keep my place but I looked in the mirror, saw the Devil's face" - Spaceman, Dave Matthews Band

Isn't it funny that when you look back on your life you tend to focus on the negative things you've done? Yes I always look back and find good memories as well, but I always tend to hone in on the times where I neglected to do a simple task to help someone out or a stupid comment I made at an inopportune time. (Nah, that NEVER happens!) The truth is I consider myself to be a relatively good person, always striving to better myself and make life easier for those around me. (I even rewind DVDs before returning them to Blockbuster!) However too many times I come up short, and THOSE are the times that irk me and stay with me the most. Weird.
(No, of course you can't rewind dvds for those of you still looking at the 'blockbuster' sentence.)